House Full Of Memories

 We left North Port on February 25th, 2022. Made the big move to St Cloud so we could be closer to my daughter Stephany and family. My hubby was able to get a transfer with his job. Everything fell into place before we knew it. Closing a chapter in our lives and started a new one. I know God's Hand is in this. I see His handiwork everywhere. And as much as I wanted and prayed for this (years!), leaving what we have known for 4 years and starting in a whole new place can be a little scary, a little lonely. 

Below is my way of saying goodbye, of saying Thank You. For all that God has done.

It's All God

The story started October 1, 2018. Fred and I worked with an organization called Better Together. We would take in kids for a short period of time so that the parents struggling for whatever reason (homelesness, jobless, illness) can get back on their feet. A mom reached out to Better Together via DCF. She had 5 kids and they had been living in the Homeless shelter for 3 months. We could only take 3 of the 5 because of space, but we stayed in close contact with the other home that had the younger 2 so the kids could see each other.

Well, a month into it, Mom decided to disappear and DCF got involved. The kids were going to be put in Foster Care. We were not licensed foster parents, but we had already fallen in love with the kids and hated to see them go thru yet another change in their lives. So we requested that DCF allow the kids to remain with us. We became what DCF calls "Non-Relative Custodian". 

Now we are in November. Mom is still MIA, but Dad has appeared out of nowhere after not seeing kids in over 3 months. So the reunification with Dad started. He was not the 'offending' parent, but he still had to comply with certain things before he could take kids home. That lasted till end of February. The kids went home to Dad. For 5 months our house was busy and loud. Then, it was quiet again. I admit, My heart was missing them, but the quiet home was good too. (and the cats got to finally relax!)

I was assigned as the "Safety Manager" to the kids. Which meant I was to talk to them weekly on the phone, and make a monthly visit to their home. They lived 45 minutes away. As time passed, you could tell they were 'moving on' without us. The phone conversations got shorter. I admit, that made me sad. But that's how it's supposed to be. Fred and I were not their parents. 

Let me take a couple of steps back.... Fred and I are very involved in our church. So while the kids were with us, they became part of our church family. Everyone loved them. The kids had wonderful adult role models. We had devotional time every night with the kids. They had very limited exposure to the Bible, so they were real curious and had lots of questions. Like little sponges, they soaked it all in. Our girl (10) asked Jesus in her heart on Dec. 26th. And our oldest boy (12) asked Jesus in his heart on February 20th. 

Ok, back to the story... Dad was scheduled to be signed off with DCF in August. Several things happened and instead, on October 4th, a year after we took the kids in the first time, we get a call from DCF asking if we will take the kids again. 

I also need to add that after the kids went home to their Dad, Fred and I felt that God was leading us to become licensed foster parents. Not necessarily to take in kids again, but to be a home of respite for other foster parents. Through our experience with the kids, we had seen how hard foster parenting was, and we wanted to be a support system. And I confess, I also wanted to be licensed because deep down, I had doubts about the home situation the kids were in and wanted to be prepared to step in just in case...

So, yes, we said we would take the kids. This time, it was going to be 4. the youngest girl was included. the youngest boy had already been moved to a paternal relative. (he had a different dad than the other 4). We weren't sure how hard it was going to be with 1 more. But we fell in love with her just like we did the others. 

Now we are a month in on our '2nd tour' with the J kids. The plan DCF has is to have the kids go live with their paternal grandmother, who lives in NY. It may take up to 6 months for all the paperwork and necessary background to be done before the kids move. Honestly, we are hoping they are able to finish school here and not have to switch to yet another school in 1 year. 

We love these kids as our own. YES, they are exhausting. there are 4 of them. And they are KIDS. 

I am 54 and Fred is 57. We are NOT spring chickens, lol. Our kids are grown and have thriving lives of their own. We have 2 grandbabies! If someone came to me 5 years ago when we moved to North Port and said we would be raising 4 kids 12 and under, I would have said they had a loose screw. 

But Fred and I have not had one minute of regret from our decision. We know without a doubt this is where God has us.  We get a lot of people telling us 'you and Fred are amazing' 'you guys are so special' 'it's incredible what you are doing'. 

PLEASE let me explain. NO WE ARE NOT.  But God IS.  Fred and I are so flawed. I have a short temper. My tongue gets away from me and I can be unkind. Fred likes his 'time'. He is an introvert. We are NOT equipped to do the work of foster care. But God IS.  He is the one putting words of encouragement in my mouth. He is the one holding me back when I just want to scream. He is the one that gives Fred the desire to go in the yard and throw the football with the kids even when he has had a long day at work and just wants to sit and play on his ham radio. God is changing us. God is working a mighty plan to benefit not just the kids, but us as well. These 4 J kids are our kids. We are a family. A family of misfits, some would say, haha. 

We have no idea what the future holds for us. All we know is that we can't do it on our own. God is running this show. 

He has to. 

Hurricane Irma

I am sitting here listening to the rain. Any other day, I wouldn't think twice about it. Florida Summer storms, no biggie... But this is the beggining of whatever Irma is bringing our way,
so it's a little unnerving.

We are prepared.  Honestly, I haven't been that worried. I am at the place where I accepted that we have done all we can and now we just have to give it to God. This is something that really isn't that easy to do. But, what I haven't quite given up is the concern for AFTER. What damage are we going to have? how long will the power be out? So... I am working on being able to get to the place where I can let go of the worry.

So, how can I do that? I have to trust God. And one way that helps me do that is to look back and see how He has been in control in previous storms. No, I am not talking about a hurricane. The storms in my life the last decade...

God was in control when my son decided he didn't want anything to do with his parents and left on his 18th birthday. My heart was shattered. There were times I couldn't catch my breath, I hurt so bad. But God was with me the whole time. Even when I kept asking why this was happening. It took a few months, but different circumstances brought our son back to us a few months later. And a couple of years after that, he came to live with us in Texas for 2 years. God was faithful.

God was in control when my daughter almost died after delivering her baby girl. It was a horrible time. And then she had a couple of months where she thought she was never going to feel 'normal' again. But God was there all along. He is faithful. She recovered, went back to work, got married and had another baby, a beautiful baby boy. And that pregnancy/delivery was danger free.

God was in control when we moved back from Texas and Mom was with us. She really did not want to live with us but go back to Tampa, which was over an hour away. Her health was poor, and living that far from us was not a good idea. Again, through different circumstances, the opportunity to move to Tampa closed and she had to stay with us. A year later she passed away. It was not easy for her or for me. But God was faithful and helped us walk through a very difficult time.

So, if God can take care of a wayward son, a near death experience of my daughter, and deal with my difficult, head strong mother, He can most definitely handle Irma. Will He spare us damage? I don't know. Will I understand why He didn't? Probably not. But what I DO know is that He has a purpose for everything He does.

I heard not long ago the phrase "When You Can't See God's Hand Working, Trust His Heart"

SO, I am going to do that. Will I falter and take my eyes off Him? Maybe, probably. But that doesn't mean God will.

I am looking forward to what He is going to do with this mess. And I don't mean the hurricane. I mean ME  :)

Let these Dry Bones Come Alive

We are almost done with January 2017. So far, it has not been a good year.  

Usually, a new year gets me rejuvenated. I like a clean slate, a blank calendar, another chance at getting it right. But this year has been different. I seem to have been stuck under a dark cloud. 

Maybe depression? Not sure. The uglyness going on in this country has been overwhelming. 

I realized the other day that I felt the same way 4 years ago at the last election. 

A feeling of hopelessness. People hating/attacking one another. 

But I can't give the whole credit to that. 

Something else... I've been feeling a sense of  'impending doom'. Death. Not a good feeling!

I KNOW when I hit these moments, it is directly connected to my walk with God. 

OR I should clarify: my LACK of walk with God.  

I have gotten lazy. Spending too much time on the computer playing games, social media....  

I have been in this hole, not knowing how (OR maybe not wanting to) get out. 

Still going about life, doing what I am supposed to do, joy and happiness is overrated, right?

I reached out to my dear friend, and she responded with this Scripture:

Psalm 16:8-11 

     I keep my eyes on the Lord. With him at my right hand. I will not be shaken. Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices; my body also will rest secure, because you will not abandon me to the realm of the dead, nor will you let your faithful one see decay. You make known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at you right hand. 

Hebrews 12:1-3
Therefore since we are surrounded by a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endure the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and loose heart. 

YES!!! This! 

I have been weary, looking at what is going on around me. At the failure that I am. 

Of course this world is going to let me down. Of course I am going to fail. We are all broken. 

 But God IS perfect. 

He has given me (AND YOU) all that is needed to finish the race that is called life! 

The tools are in His Word. We just have to go to them. 

Lauren Daigle has a new song out called "Come Alive (dry bones)". 

I liked it the 1st time I heard it, mainly because it has a great sound. 

But hadn't really listened to the words till now.......

I am dry bones. I have allowed myself to become brittle. 

Well, can't let it continue. It is wasteful. 

God loves me. In every condition: healthy, thriving, sad, lazy, and brittle... 

And I am glad He does. 

But, man, if I was Him, I would be saying 

"Get a grip, girl! I have given you all you need, so USE it!" 

So today is my New Year's Day. 

Am I going to mess up and fall again? Yea, most definitely.  

But I am not going to stay in the hole. I do NOT need to be wasting my days like I have been. 

 I am going to post this on FB so that this time next year, it reminds me of what I said. 

Cuz I am sure I am going to need it!! 

 PS: I want to be my friend when I grow up!

Mom has been gone 6 months

Well, 6 months and 2 days.
                                                    It kinda just hit me.
                                                                                           I don't 'hear' her sounds anymore.          
But I have been dreaming about her.  The recurring theme is that she is here with me and I am confused because I thought she had died. In a couple of them, I apologize for getting rid of an item
of hers. I say "I'm so sorry, Mom, I thought you died" and she would say "it's ok, I didn't really need that anyway" So bizzare, and at the same time, so funny. She would NEVER say it was ok. Ha Ha

Her room is now a guest room. I have several things of hers in there. I still call it "Mom's room". But it has been a place for guests to stay in several times already. I think that's good. We have always wanted our home to be a hospitable one.

We survived Stephany's wedding without Mom. It was a wonderful event, 

but I admit there were moments of sadness. 

A void.

We framed a very pretty picture of Mom. She had a seat front and center. 

 Mom used to make origami birds. From as far as I remember, she would make them for little kids in dr's waiting rooms, on the bus, wherever... I found a charm of one. Stephany put it on her bouquet.

Then came Christmas. Stephany, Jared and Keira came to our house for Christmas this time. When I led them to the guest room, Stephany broke down in tears. It is a time of mourning. It's expected. But man, it hurts. And then, of course, the announcement of a new baby. Mom would have been so happy about that. Especially since it's a boy. I mean, she absolutely LOVED Keira. But it's not a secret Mom was always partial to the boys.

And there is Facebook. It shows me every day posts from the past. Once in a while one comes and hits me.

Mom didn't sleep much at night. I set up the microwave underhead light to come on every night from 10pm-6am, so she would have a light in the kitchen. We would also close our bedroom door as we are just off the kitchen. I still feel compelled to close the door each night, but remind myself I don't have to anymore.
                         Even after 6 months.
And last night, I turned off the auto set up on the microwave light.
                                                                                              After 6 months.

This grieving process is a weird thing. 

Not really a manual for it. 

Everyone deals with it in their own way. 

My mom died, But God has it under control

The day was Sept. 23rd. She struggled with COPD for decades. But still, we always joked she wouldn't die, she was too stubborn. But it finally got bad enough, she couldn't recover from it this time.
I struggled with our move from Tx last year. I was positive I did not want to leave Mt Pleasant. I was not a happy camper. My poor husband took the blunt of my discontentment. But in the last few weeks, I realized we were exactly in the place we needed to be. God had this under control all along!

First, when we first moved back to Florida, circumstances caused it so Mom had to live with us. Her health was poor, but living with us was not something she would have done voluntarily. She became my sole job. And I was ok with that.

One of the 1st people who welcomed us in North Port are 2 sets of couples. We met them at church, (another blessing). They had already walked the path of loosing a parent to a long illness. They could really say "I know what you are going through" I have found great support from them.

The hospice house (Tidewell Hospice, Englewood) was amazing. The staff there loved my mom like she was theirs. From the chef coming in, talking to mom and seeing what he could make her. To the nurse who knew mom liked Andrea Bocelli and bringing in a CD for mom to listen to it. (it was playing the night she died) And not only did they care for her, they cared for me and my family. Always asking what they could do to help us.

Lastly, my brother and his family were close. AND Stephany was my support. I couldn't have gone through it without her. She came with me to see mom in the hospital, then at the hospice house. She loved on mom the way I couldn't. She has a heart of gold.

So, maybe it hadn't been in MY plans or MY will. But I clearly see how things absolutely worked out. In the last couple of years, Mom would say 'I don't know why God won't just take me'.   Well, maybe she asked Him just that when she arrived. OR maybe she didn't. I am sure she was busy enjoying herself being in the presence of God. :)

I miss Mom. the house is quiet. The first few days, I swear I could hear her shuffle of slippers, the clicking of her walker, even her cough. Funny how some thing you once found annoying are now what you miss.

I hate clutter. I hate disorganization. Mom was a collector/hoarder. She has a LOT of stuff. Fred and I always said we would just load the truck and take it all to Goodwill. I have taken some. But I feel all of the family needs to have something of mom's to remember her by. This is important to me (and to mom). So, I have taken all her stuff and set it out. We have boxes everywhere.

And we aren't even talking about the boxes of papers and pictures. Those we will take our time looking through. Already, the little bit we have found has given us some insight on her that we never knew... It will get done. In time. I want to do it right. The last few days of mom's life, her biggest worry was the pictures and her dolls.  I assured her I would guard them with my life.

I am trying to make sure some of mom's things go to people who will truly enjoy/appreciate them. This takes time. And I am ok with that. See, God is teaching me to be ok. To understand I don't need to know all the details. I may have to wait to see the grand picture. Boy, that is not easy for me.

Another thing we have in the papers we have looked at so far. Mom journaled some. But so far, it looks like she mostly did it when she was unhappy. I guess it helped her put her frustrations and heart aches on paper. It was almost too much for me to hear the things she wrote. But I find that I also tend to journal when I am unhappy. I am going to change that. I need to make a concerted effort to write down the good things too. I don't want my family to go through my papers and think I was an unhappy person. I want them to see how blessed I was, how much I loved.

Fred kept saying to me that I needed to prepare for mom's death. He was worried how it was going to affect me. But I am actually doing ok. Much better than I thought. I have my moments. I still can't talk too much about her without getting teary. But for the most part, I am ok. Of course, then I feel guilty that maybe I shouldn't be ok... Oy!  

I loved my mother. Maybe there were more things that could have been done. But I truly feel I did the best that I could.  Sometimes I get caught in the 'should have, could have, what if' game. But I turn from it quick. It helps no one. Any guilt that creeps in is just a reminder to be better with the present. Love unconditionally to all God allows in our path.
 Another lesson He is teaching me.. Always learning.

Friends love through all kinds of weather, and families stick together in all kinds of trouble Proverbs 17:17

I saw on Facebook that they were celebrating an anniversary and wanted to make today officially 'Friend Day' on Facebook.  That got me thinking about how blessed I have been over my MANY years with friends. 

That, or the fact I am turning 50 in a couple of months, which has me in a reflective state lately. 

I actually used to keep track of the 'angels' God blessed me every year.  I have never really considered myself a 'materialistic' person. But all throughout my house are little gifts I have 

received from friends. They are a daily reminder of those special ladies. A lot of them, we served 

side by side in ministry. A few of them have been who I ran to when life was kicking my butt and 

I felt hopeless. Some of them, I haven't seen in years, probably won't see again. What I do know is that each and every one of their lives has touched mine in a way that has shaped/added to the woman I am today. 

                            So, friends, from me to you, much love and gratitude! 

I started collecting pictures, but soon realized there was probably not going to be an end to it. So, if I don't have something you think would have been here, please know, it is in my heart. :)

Let's start with my very first BEST Friend. Tammy (Dykes) Miller. On weekends, we would take turns sleeping at each other's house. Saturday mornings, we would listen to the top 40s and write them down. We would take a Stephen King book and take turns reading to each other. I love her!

Church Youth Group. A great place to make friends. I came in a little late, didn't start going to church till I was 16. And that is only thanks to the lady on the left, Jean (Gordon) Wiggins. 

She 'bugged' me every Friday afternoon and Wednesday afternoon about going to church with 

her until I finally said yes. :) 

This is a garbage bag wreath. My friend Katrina Porter and I would get together and make crafty things at Christmas time. And sometimes we included the kids! This wreath is about 20 yrs old. 

Our family left the church I accepted Christ, met and married my husband, had all 3 of my kids, and was involved in just about every ministry in the church. Even the janitorial 'ministry'! So going to a new church was not easy, but these ladies welcomed me with open arms.   God worked it so, as the Children's Director was leaving in a year, I was able to come in and learn the ropes under her. God's timing is perfect.... why do I always forget that? 

The Tale of the Three Trees. This was an adorable Children's program that I had the privilege to work with Vickie Mays on. Let's be real, I loved Children's Choir, but I know nothing about music. So I would always make sure to team up with people who are musically inclined. :) 

     And Vicki is so talented!

 

 Fred was a Sunday School teacher, and the class chipped in and gave us this beautiful painting for Christmas. We LOVED our class. Our friends were in that class. It was an amazingly thoughtful gift and I love stopping by to look at it even now, over 10 yrs after it was given.

I love this. I pretend it is me and the lady who gave it to me, Sheila Cannon. She is SO much like me, it is scary, lol.  She and her husband, Claude, were my 'angels' while I was the Children's Director at KABC. Their heart for kids was bigger than the moon. SO many adventures with this couple, 

Breakfast with friends. Don't know how it started, wait, I think I know. These 2 ladies, 

Cindy and Kim, would have breakfast together. One day I invited myself, and they let me! 

Cindy would drop of her kids at school, Kim would take a break from work and we would 

meet up at La Cubanita for some cuban coffee and toast. Yum! 

I have this framed picture on my desk. 

Becky Caddell is one of those ladies that I "ran" to when my world was stinky. But also, when life was good. Things worked out that our families blended well. We did most holidays together. Our kids even dated for a while.. AND we survived that! 

Remember the title of this blog? Proverbs 17:17. The Caddells fall under both categories. They are our friends, but they are also our family. Maybe not in the literal sense, but in the HEART sense. :)

(BTW, this is our feet after a tour of IKEA. We found a couple of lounge chairs to rest our feet!)

Another amazing woman and friend. Mike & Linda Stanco are another couple that just 'clicked' with me and Fred. Mike and Fred are very similar. They are both quiet mannered,patient, and Godly men. Linda is all of that, I am NOT. But, still, she puts up with me! She is my Spiritual mentor. Somehow, God always uses her to speak to me when I need it most. She is who I want to be like when I grow up. We don't get to see them much since they live in NC. We try to schedule our vacations in a way that includes them. Hoping to do that this Summer! 

You can find friends in family as well. Last year in February, I was in Florida helping Stephany with Keira, when my mom got very sick and was taken to the hospital. She had to be intubated because her breathing got so bad,  I was beside myself, so far away. My sister in law Rachel became "ME". 

She would go to the hospital every day, check on Mom and give me an update. EVERY DAY.

I don't know what I would have done without her. When we first moved to Tx, I began a love for birds. Rachel knew that and she would periodically give me gifts that reinforced that love. They decorate my little kitchen in Florida now. I look at them and remember what she did for me.

Another family member, who started out as a friend. Johnette Jones is married to Fred's cousin, Jimmy. They got married about a year or so before me and Fred. So they were the 'senior' couple. lol

We were even pregnant at the same time. Our kids are only a week apart. She and I worked in church ministry for upteen years together, mainly in children's ministry. 

Those years are packed full of the best of my memories. 

This group!!  My KidFirst Family. Again, I was new to Tx, didn't have any friends, and by God's perfect timing (again!) I was allowed to be a sub for one of the teachers who went on maternity leave. But then they couldn't get rid of me!  And let me tell you, it's not easy to put this many women working together and not have some bickering.  But we didn't. Really. We had the same passion 

and mission to love on the kids the way God loves us, there was no room for 'squabbles'. 

I miss them terribly. 

When I was in Florida during Keira's birth and subsequent medical problems with Stephany, I received this picture. Jennifer Tosh, the fearless leader of the group pictured above, sent it to me. Her heart is as big as Texas. I admire her and I am thankful for my time working with her.

These young'uns: Kristen Foley and Daley Warren. 

I had the privilege to have these 2 as my work partners for a couple of years. 

They are young, energetic, and silly. They made my heart happy. 

Now, we are back in Florida. Not where we used to live, further south. So it's a whole new start. Again. I have to remember God's Perfect Timing. He will bring me and 'angel' or two again. I thank God for Facebook. I can sorta connect with my friends, near and far. But it is still not the same, you know? 

 Lastly, this is Debbie Lombard.

I struggle with calling her my friend. I mean, she WAS at the time.. I thought... I was 14. She came from a family that was not like any I knew. She had 4 brother, 3 of them had different fathers. Her older 2 half brothers had already been in "Juvee". Drugs... She was 'fun'. I liked how she seemed to know what she wanted and went for it. And the fact that she wanted to be my friend, I felt lucky. But she is the girl your parents would forbid you to spend time with. That is why I would sneak out of the house to go hang at hers. Her mom would be out, partying herself. Debbie's house was stocked in booze and pot and pills, courtesy of her mom and her brothers. It was a 'dangerous' crew, which I guess it's why I found it so great. I was 14... 

Then, I found out that she broke into my house with her boyfriend and they made themselves comfortable for an afternoon. That kinda opened my eyes. I needed to stop that friendship. Not long after, she moved back with her dad, out of state. We stayed in touch for a while. But then, nothing. 

Have you ever heard the song "Can you reach my friend" by Debbie Boone? (it's a very old song)

You see, I don't think she had it so together. I now see she was SO lost. With reason.

I still think of Debbie and that song comes up. I wish I knew how to contact her. I wonder how her life turned out. I pray God intervened in her life. I would love to share with her how God has blessed mine.